When my daughter is angry, I can have a tough time connecting emotionally with her. I want to, because I believe all the research and experts who say that it will help them mature, as well as become more resilient and effective problem solvers.  I’ve read tons of great books on the importance of a deep emotional bond that includes connecting with them when they are angey. I’ve even done a wonderful interview recently with parenting author Jennifer Kolari who outlines wonderful tips in her book Connected Parentin g. However when I’m in the trenches with a kid who is angry, I often struggle to connect.

My challenge seems to be in matching their intensity, or their affect, as Kolari calls it. This key part of mirroring or connecting helps the child feel understood, which actually changes their brain chemistry and calms their brain down.  Unfortunately, even if I get the words right, if I don’t match the intensity, it doesn’t work.

This morning my kids got in an argument before school. I’d like to say that this is a rare occurrence, and while it is far from a daily occurrence, it happens way more than never, which is what I would like. I completely understood why my daughter was upset with her brother. I attempted to mirror, before approaching the problem resolution. My default position is an intellectual, reasonable one. As often happens in the heat of the moment, I couldn’t see how to match her affect, without which Kolari stresses mirroring does not work.

In a nutshell affect means the tone or intensity. If your child is full of emotion and you reply back calmly and unaffected, they don’t get energetically that we got them. Unfortunately if they don’t get that we understand, they stay or even get more agitated. They are stuck on trying to be understood, and can’t move on to problem solving until they feel understood.

My attempt at mirroring didn’t work and if anything fanned the flames. My frustration at wanting to connect but failing fanned my own flames. I blew up back when Lauren said, "Quit telling me what I feel." I told her that it was pretty obvious how she felt! She went off to school feeling awful, her brother I’m sure was relieved to be away, and I felt both relieved to have them both gone, and dejected that we’d had such a bad start to the day.

When I was debriefing with my wise friend Kathleen Reeves who has lots of the skills I am still learning, she suggested that instead of saying that I could see that my daughter was upset, that I could have said, "You are pissed off" with emphasis and feeling in my voice. As she said that, a light bulb went off for me.  I felt like I’d been just taught basic math, because as soon as she said it, it was obvious to me that would have worked.

Ironically, I can feel like a slow learner in all of this, despite being a great academic learner. I am committed to learning this new way of speaking, this language, but it is can be very hard for me. I suspect that this language comes much easier to parents who were well nurtured growing up. One of the reasons I interviewed Jennifer Kolari was because I wanted to hear her give examples of mirroring.  I knew that I could benefit from hearing examples over and over until it becomes second nature to me. I reminded myself once again to be patient with myself and continue to work on learning this powerful technique.

Kathleen also shared with me that probably I have troubles going there with my kids because my feelings weren’t acknowledged as a child. Although my parents are wonderful people who I love dearly, there is no question that my feelings weren’t acknowledged. I can’t recall one time where I went to either of them when I was in pain or with questions about issues I didn’t know how to resolve. The few times I got very angry were met with a terrifying response from my dad that left me certain that anger wasn’t okay.

Can you relate to your feelings not being acknowledged by your parents or teachers? Or do you have problems connecting to your children?  I’d like to hear from you.  Love is not enough if that love doesn’t get through. If no one modeled connection with you as a child, chances are you will find this tough. If your anger wasn’t allowed, chances are this will be the hardest area for you to deal with. Yet in order to fully heal yourself and grow and evolve, you need to learn how to connect with your kids emotions.

I’ve been writing a lot lately about the power of Jennifer Kolari’s parenting work. She has taught me a lot about how to connect with my kids and work through major issues such as sibling rivalry, anxiety and behavioral issues. Last Saturday, a long-standing source of problems with the kids sharing was resolved, and along with it, both my husband Rob and I breathed a major sigh of relief!

My daughter Lauren has owns the complete Warrior series of books, including special editions. Both her and her brother have read the series. Rob  orchestrated Sam contributing a book to the series, with the deal that he would then get to borrow the other 12 when he wanted. As the collection grew, the deal became more and more one-sided.

However, Sam shares other things like his K’Nex with Lauren so Rob and I could clearly see how it works out overall. We were not successful in getting Lauren to see the big picture though. Those books have caused lots of tension and irritation for Rob, myself and the kids.

Saturday night was a case in point. Sam finished book three, and wanted book four. She said he couldn’t have it until the next morning. Rob andI felt massively irritated with what seemed like an arbitrary, controlling decision on her part. We tried to push her into sharing that night, without coming right out and forcing her to share. She was adamant that she wasn’t giving him the book until the next day, even though she gave no logic for why he had to wait.

Finally I quit trying to convince her long enough to try to understand where she was coming from. Stephen Covey knew what he was talking about when he said "Seek first to understand." I said to her that I knew that she had spent a lot of money and time on acquiring the 12 plus books in the collection. I also shared that I know that she takes great care of her books, whereas her brother is much more cavalier.

That was all I had to say before she switched gears. I was just warming up to seeing it from her point of view and she was on to the solution! I suspect that she’s been eyeing up the boxed sets, which weren’t available when she bought the books. So she decided that she would buy the boxed sets, and then keep the first books for her and Sam to read. That way if a book was nicked, as had happened to book three, possibly while Sam was reading it, she’d know she had the pristine copy of the same book.

It was remarkably easy to then get her to share the book with him that night. Earlier when she wasn’t feeling understood, she blocked every attempt I made to get her to see how irritating it would be to him to be made to wait until the next day. Now she heard me. She could see how he would feel and she offered to bring him the book right away!

I made a mental note to suggest to Sam that he buy her one of the boxed sets for her birthday in a few months. I love to facilitate each of them buying the other thoughtful gifts, and often they think of it themselves.

What a relief! Not only did Lauren do what I thought was right, but she felt good about it. Although sometimes it would be nice to be able to just make the kids do what I want, I know that leads to resentment and rebellion. Instead, through applying Kolari’s ideas, Lauren felt more connected to me, and did what I wanted her to do!

If you haven’t read Kolari’s book yet, I highly recommend it. You can also listen to a copy of the audio recording HERE.