I wrote a few weeks ago about how common it is for kids to get the message that they are bad (see post here). If you are guilty of this, it isn’t because that is what you want your kids to think, it’s just that it is easy to get stuck focusing on all the things your kids aren’t doing, or are doing wrong. However, with a slight shift of focus, everything flows better, and your results will be much better as well.
The other day I had a great opportunity to choose my focus. My son was receiving an award at school, and my 10-year old daughter decided to come with us. However, with the busy day we had she didn’t feel ready, and when we pulled up to the middle school, she asked if she could stay in the van. It wasn’t baking hot, just warm, and so I agreed. We live in a small town and I was very comfortable with her having the windows open, or coming in if she was too warm.
An hour later, when I got out to the car, I discovered that she had been running the air conditioner with the keys, but without the van all the way on. So the battery was completely, 100% dead. Now I had appointments to keep, a beautiful flower basket that I’d been given as a thank you for helping with the breakfast program, and no vehicle!
Fortunately after a few minutes I found someone I knew, and asked for a ride home. Although this had happened once before a year or so ago, I realized that I could have thought to mention/reminder my daughter not to turn on the air conditioner. So instead of getting exasperated, which once would have been my response, I focused on the fact that this was such an easy way to learn that lesson.
We were not in any harm, we didn’t have to walk, take a taxi, or find someone to come and charge the battery. I knew my husband would be home later, and we could drive the 5 minutes back to the van and boost it. If we’d been on holidays, or in the city, that same event would have been huge.
I’m not perfect, and am increasingly okay with that fact. I have days where I make the wrong choice and focus on the negative. I know though that when I do, I am less happy, and less successful as a parent. I want my children to have the profound message that they are good for who they are, and to not fear making mistakes. So I continue to develop the habit of focusing on the positive in each situation, and remembering their goodness when I notice the negative.
If you find yourself slipping and having a negative focus, like I did this morning, use that as an opportunity to demonstrate how to repair relationship mistakes. Tell your kids you got caught up in a negative focus, apologize if appropriate, and move on. That way you are showing them how to do a repair themselves when they behave poorly in relationships. Then you turn your “mistake” into a perfect teaching moment. That’s why I said in my earlier article, Great Parenting is Perfect Imperfection!
I’m off to make my repair with my daughter, who will be home from drama camp soon. I’d love to hear how your focus affects your parenting, and any specific examples of where you changed your focus, or made a repair afterward.
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Whew.. glad that it was SUMMER and not winter. That was a real plus.. especially where you live.
Agreed, keeping the focus on the positive and letting the lessons just ‘teach themselves’ is pretty powerful.
It is such a journey being a parent, allowing for ‘human moments’ of frustration is important too.. it gives kids a sense of knowing the times for being frustrated are in proportion to the event. So, if you get flustered over a dead battery, that makes sense. Especially in light of the ‘could have beens’ ( what if nobody was there to help.. etc). Choosing how DEEP to go into that, or how long, is up to you.
It could be a fleeting moment, or a minuter or longer, depending on where you choose to put your focus,, just like you said!
You were a great example of how to move quickly and get to the solution for your family.. well done!
Peace and light
Elissa Joy
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:47 pm
Hey Elissa Joy! The technology faeries seem to have taken my first response to you and erased it! Yes, we were lucky that it was a nice, mild summer day. Sometimes I wish I was back in the city, and yet there are so many advantages of being in a small town too.
Yes, sometimes it is fine for our kids to see our frustration too. They certainly will experience the emotion, and need to see examples of how to handle it. Still, I’m that much happier when I don’t even go there in the first place.
Peace and light to you too!
Jacqueline
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Love the theme, learning to be okay with and to even love our flaws, that runs through several of your posts including this one.
Every single one of our flaws has a lesson to teach us when we allow ourselves to stop and listen. If we can accept and love ourselves, flaws and all, we are reclaiming those parts of ourselves that we have made bad and unwanted..and life does indeed become much less of a struggle…
Is a telling story you share..thank you!
Johneal
Johneal Rouse recently posted..7 Ways to Turn around a Difficult Day
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Hi Johneal! I replied to you too earlier this week… maybe I hit the wrong button!
Thanks for sharing. Yes, reclaiming the parts of us that we have labeled bad is powerful work for our happiness. It is great for our kids when we heal and become calmer, saner people, and it is great for us too.
I am off to check out your post! 7 Ways to Turn Around a Difficult Day sounds like a very useful article!
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Hey Jacqueline,
Thanks for sharing this story. I can totally relate to it and see myself in it. I find that it is such a natural reaction to the challenges that are presented from others (our kids especially) where we bring back all of the other times when they did not do it right. I love the idea of making the relationship right and the growth that it can bring to us as parents and our children.
Make it a great day!
God Bless,
-ed
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
Thanks Ed! I love sharing what works for me, especially as I see so many parents who are learning to be gentler on themselves and others. Peace does start at home, and parenting is an incredibly important role that we are honoured to have, as I know you also believe.
Make it a great day yourself!
Jacqueline
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BRAVO on yet another marvelous content rich post! Your words are powerfully honest and it takes the pressure of parents that find themselves in the “UN-Perfect” role when you share yourself so freely. Love that about you Jacqueline.
I can think of a million times with my older kids that much of my discipline was reactionary and with my younger one it has been very conscious and intentional parenting. Although quite sad for my sons, they are very glad to see so much has changed in their adults years that we are extremely close. I am fortunate. I know many parents who’s children hold these very hard lessons against them and it isn’t fun.
Thank you for another great post!
Abundant Blessings,
Kellie
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
Thanks so much Kellie for sharing. When I began parenting, I was such a perfectionist I honestly believed there was a right way to do things, and if I failed to meet my unrealistically high expectations, that was it. What you are sharing is such a beautiful example of how our children can learn and grow even as adults if we are willing to do the work that we are called to do. I believe that parenting is meant to push us to grow up, and that is why it is often so painful, until we begin to get the tools we need. I love your story of you learning from your mistakes and modeling for your sons that their mom is courageous enough to admit her mistakes, learn and be a differnt person in the world.
Blessings to you too Kellie!
Jacqueline
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Hi Jacqueline,
I know exactly what you’re talking about and used to have a bit of a problem with being snappy with my daughter in situations like that. Thankfully, at some point that changed, not sure how or why, but I mellowed quite a bit. Now, I’m a grandmother and it’s much easier. When my granddaughter has a bit of a mishap I always tell her, “that’s okay, accidents happen sometimes” or something like that. She loves that because her mom got my old snappyness!
I feel better than ever because I just don’t get uptight hardly ever anymore. I’d say with age comes wisdom, but I’m not “wise” yet and I’m a very young grandma! LOL.
Great story! Thanks for sharing. It helps to know we’re not alone in those “occasional” feelings of frustration.
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It’s clear from your photo that you are a young grandma! I’m glad to hear that you have also found the path to a gentler way of being. your granddaughter is blessed to have you in her life!
Thanks for sharing Deb!
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Hi Jacqueline,
I love my children more than anything and I followed these principles really well when they were younger. Now that they are teens and one is 22, I am finding it much harder. I guess that they look like grown ups, so I expect more than I should.
My 22 yr. old is back at home until she sorts things out after college graduation. Thank you for refocusing me. I will work on compassion and try to focus on the positive. She’ll be home from work soon and I’ll try my best.
Mentor Mama
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I love how you show in your response that you know what to do. Sometimes I find that as women we just need to hear another woman’s perspective, to be reminded of what we know to do.
I hope your time with your daughter went wonderfully! Thanks so much for sharing!
Jacqueline
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Hey Jacqui,
It was wonderful to read about your experience. Love your message and I just need to practice it!
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Love it! Making the choice to feed the positive. Great tips on being a positive parent, and dealing with difficult situations.
Jeremiah M. Wean recently posted..Rates and APR- What Do They Tell You
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Hi Jacqueline,
your kids are so lucky to have you for a Mum, who is consciously parenting.
It is great to hear that you want your children to grow up without the fear of making mistakes.
I had to learn a lot about how to be the mother I wanted to be, instead of passing on what I received from my mother, and a lot of that was fear based parenting.
Great job!
Love and Light
from
Yorinda
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I have been working on focusing on the positive a lot lately and this is such a great article. Some Small little thing that goes wrong can get us focusing on the negative. I love that you want your children to know they are great for who they are. This was a great post, thanks for sharing.
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Perspective is such a great blessing isnt it? It can be a hard skill to learn but plays such a powerful role in our actions. Congrats on having the strength to repair things with your daughter!
Kimberly
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