Behavior Issues and Their Underlying Causes – Insights from Jennifer Kolari’s Book Connected Parenting

When I first read Jennifer Kolari’s book, Connected Parenting , I skipped the chapter on Strategies for the Anxious or Special-needs Child. My specialty as a parent coach has not been special-needs kids, and I didn’t think my kids qualified as anxious either. However I recently reread her book in order to prepare for our interview, and was surprised to find out how relevant and useful this section was.

My daughter has been a challenging child to raise at times. She is very sensitive to clothing, can be bossy, and has a tough time adapting to change. I am well-aware of her challenges, but I had not fully identified with the fact that one of the underlying challenges is she is an anxious kid. Kolari states that anxiety often underlies other behavioral issues, and when she listed traits that can indicate anxiety, Lauren scored high.

Some ways that anxious children mask their anxiety:

1. bossiness
2. anger
3. inflexibility

Other traits that anxious kids may have:

1. sensitivity to food, clothing
2. frequent tantrums
3. irritability
4. purposeful naughtiness
5. challenges or inability to cope when things don’t go as planned

One of the things I have to remind myself is that although I am my child’s best hope of managing anxiety, I am not the cause. Some of my parenting style may have contributed, but a genetic load is also a key component. I know that I have a tendency towards anxiety, and so Lauren has a genetic predisposition. That helps take the tendency to blame myself out of the equation so I can just deal with the problem.

It is a relief to realize that part of my challenge with her is that she is anxious. Although I’d still rather not have this issue to deal with, ignorance of the root cause did not make it go away. She hates trying new things, although she often loves them afterward. She can be very rigid and uncompromising, and flashes to anger much more quickly than anyone else in the house. All these issues fit with Kolari’s description of traits of anxious kids.

Do your kids have anxiety issues? If so, I recommend you join Kolari and I on Thursday Jan. 14 for a live interview, or catch the audio replay afterward. Go to http://greatparentingpractices.com/askkolari, and you’ll have a chance to enter a question that may be answered on the call. As well, if you can attend live, you’ll have a chance to win a free audio package for my Parenting TeleSummit, featuring 16 expert parenting interviews!