The ultimate goal of parenting is to raise mature, self-confident, competent young adults. The road to independence, however, is tricky especially during the adolescent years. Parents are constantly challenged to figure out how much autonomy is appropriate for their tweens. While it is important for tweens to have experiences that help them gain confidence through practice using their judgment, parents also want to avoid exposing their kids to situations they can’t handle. By being ready for each step they take towards independence and proud of the decisions they make, kids will build their self-esteem.
Signs of Readiness
Often sooner than we expect, our kids will be asking to go out on their own or with friends. How can you tell if your tween is mature enough to manage themselves without supervision? At TweenParent.com we recommend considering the following:
- Do your kids feel comfortable when staying home alone?
- Do they use common sense when choosing independent activities?
- Do your kids follow instructions?
- Can you count on your kids not to panic in unexpected situations?
- Are your kids comfortable asking for help?
Things to Consider
While your tween may be responsible enough to play sports in the park or go to the mall with their friends, parents need to think about who their kids will meet and teach their children precautions to keep them safe.
• Know the venue. If your son or daughter is going to the mall, movies, restaurant or park consider what type of people they will meet. Is the location family orientated? Of course, it’s always a good idea to know exactly where they will be.
• What’s the plan? Are your kids going with a purpose or just to hang out? Having a plan like going to a restaurant or the movies means they are less likely to get bored and get into trouble.
• Impressions count! What is your child wearing? How is he or she acting? Do your kid’s friends also have good judgment? How will strangers perceive them?
• Discuss the rules. It may sound like common sense, but it’s always good to remind your kids not to talk to strangers, don’t go anywhere alone (including the bathroom), be aware of their surroundings and avoid the parking lot. Kids should never cross the car park to get to a restaurant or shop on the outskirts of the mall.
• Parental supervision. Becoming independent is a series of small steps. When tweens first step into the world on their own, it’s often a good idea to place a safety net under them. You and your kids may all feel more comfortable if you go with them the first few times they go out alone. By staying in an assigned location and setting up check in times, it’s comforting to know that you’ll be on hand if your kids need help.
Taking the Sting Out of “No”
As parents, it’s our job to say “no” when we feel that our children are not ready for certain experiences. Of course, this can be tough on our sons and daughters. Not only is it important for them to expand their social lives beyond the family circle, but tweens also enjoy their new experiences of autonomy. So, when “no” is necessary, it is a good idea to have a conversation that helps you and your tween come to a better understanding of each others concerns. Here are some strategies to help with those conversations.
• Reflect back what you think your son or daughter is saying to you. Confirm that you really understand how they are feeling.
• Hear them without judgment.
• Save the teachable moments for another conversation.
• Remember that sometimes your tween wants you to be the bad guy and say “no” so they can be cool and save face with their friends.
• Be prepared to let them know what the circumstances need to be for the answer to be “yes.”
Building trusting relationships with your tweens through listening, sharing family values and setting limits goes a long way in laying the foundation for raising mature, confident young adults.
This guest post was written by Suzanna Narducci. She is the cofounder of http://www.tweenparent.com. She has appeared on NBC talking about tween-related issues. She will be my guest interviewee on January 27, 2010 at 11 am PST, 2 pm EST. To join us, click here .
