I’ve been sharing powerful tips on parenting that have helped me, and so many other parents. Like so many other tips on parenting, this one involves become more conscious of our parenting beliefs, and making changes that can profoundly influence our families’ lives. If you can embrace the concept that imperfection is great parenting, you will be giving your family a powerful legacy for generations to come.
My mother’s underlying message to us kids was that we were bad. She didn’t consciously decide to send us this message, and she did tell us she loved us and recognized our goodness at times. To be honest, I am praying she doesn’t read this because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She clearly was operating from her own woundedness. I have no agenda to change my mom. I get that she did the best that she knew how. My agenda has been to heal my own woundedness and to help other moms do the same.
I am a recovering perfectionist. My childhood message of not being good enough morphed into a desire to be perfect so I’d finally get the unconditional love I so needed. My journey from an often angry mom, who also suffered from depressed and to a lesser degree anxiety, to happy, calm, non-medicated mom has involved me learning how to give and get that unconditional love. In learning to be the parent I so needed, I’ve healed and continue to grow in my ability to parent from a place other than love and acceptance. Along the way I’ve learned to laugh more, and I’ll share a funny perfectionism-related story in a moment.
I’ve done three radio interviews lately on the perils of perfectionism in parenting. I love helping women see how they are hampering their own success by their often unconscious perfectionism. Many perfectionistic moms don’t think they are near perfect enough, Anger issues, depression, anxiety, eating disorders and many other painful conditions are fed or even created by our unrealistic expectations of ourselves.
We idolize women like Martha Stewart and allow ourselves to feel bad because we can’t measure up. Often times, that message gets passed on to our kids; they perceive that they are bad because they aren’t perfect. No mother consciously wants to make her kids feel bad; it is just part of the dark side of being a Super Mom on Steroids (to read the article where I coined the term, click here).
Part of my recovery from perfectionism involves replacing that critical voice inside with a loving, supportive voice that sees the good I am doing, recognizes my humanity, and loves me even when I fall far short of my ideals. It is brilliant that I teach, coach and do presentations on perfectionism, because I continue to discover new levels of healing through my work. At the same time I am touched by the moms who tell me how helpful my coaching, writing or presentations are to them. I am passionate about helping as many women free themselves from this trap that causes you and your families so much unnecessary pain.
I want to share a funny and powerful example of how, if we release our perfectionistic expectations, everyone benefits. Yesterday, on an interview for Dori DeCarlo’s Word of Mom Blog Talk Radio Show, we were able to demonstrate how lower expectations make for perfect moments! The message was powerful during this very unconventional radio show.
As a perfectionist, you probably say, “should” to yourself a lot. I certainly would have thought before yesterday that the radio host “should” be on the call for the whole hour! Seems like a reasonable assumption. Yet we all know technology happens, and although my computer/power in my house haven’t crashed yet during a call, I love that I know have lots of ideas for how to handle the situation! Lots of laughter is part of the key, and ironically, our message was augmented, not diminished by the experience.
You’ve probably guessed the gist of what happened. Shortly after giving the definition of perfectionism, a friend of Dori’s, Janice Clark, called in. As Janice and I were talking, Dori’s house lost its power. She was bumped off the show for what seemed like 10 minutes. At one point Janice joked about how she’d taken over Dori’s job as host. I’d already suspected that Dori wasn’t there, because this usually animated host hadn’t said a peep in at least 5 minutes! Her continued silence even after Janice’s comment spoke volumes, and yet we were having a great conversation about perfectionism, and the show must go on!
I loved how Dori handled the situation when she returned. We talked about what happened and her attempts to get back on the call. We laughed a lot, and marveled at the perfection of this situation to prove the power of relaxing our expectations. By laughing at our imperfections, we were giving moms listening the chance to relax about their flaws too. That’s a gift I want to give every man, woman and child on earth.
Interestingly enough, while Dori DeCarlo was in the dark trying to call in, Janet Turner was talking about how Tyra Banks shared her pre-airbrushed photos, and also removed her makeup and even bra, to show her imperfections. I was very moved when I saw Oprah do a show where she went from waking up to fully made up. Jamie Lee Curtis has given a similar gift with photos of her without effects to make her look her best. All three of these women are giving us a gift far more powerful than telling us we are all beautiful; when they show that they also have times when they don’t look near as glamorous as usual, we all breathe a sigh of relief!
You can take the same inspiration from parents who share their tough times. Sometimes what you need is not another beauty or parenting tip, but to know that another parent has gone from disaster (the women above before makeup were a beauty disaster) to parenting with joy and ease, most of the time. You can bridge the painful and sometimes huge gap between who you want to be as a parent, and who keeps showing up with your kids. I am offering you part of my story, just like Tyra and Oprah and Jamie Lee, so that you can relax about your parental imperfections, and realize what a wonderful mom you really are.
To have a laugh while listening to the replay of our Word of Mom interview, click here.
Please leave a comment below, and share this post with your friends , especially those ones who are a bit too uptight and are suffering from a sense that things should be done a certain way. You’ll be giving them a real gift, because perfecti0nism is a painful condition that far too many people suffer from. Many angry, anxious and depressed people are trapped in their perfectionism, and need to be shown how to be free. This is one of the tips on parenting that can profoundly change your life, and make your family a much more nurturing, forgiving and fun place to grow up in!
Thanks for writing this post , i find the information that you have shared of great value to the people that i connect with and going to pass this on to my tribe. I look forward to reading more from you.
Chris
.-= Chris Bernardo´s last blog ..Easy Way to Speak to only Quality Prospects =-.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 5:29 pm
Thanks Chris for sharing this post with people who could use it!
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Hi Jacqueline,
I enjoyed reading through your post and could relate to some of the examples that you gave. I had to stop and think about it, and realize I too have been guilty of using “should” to describe my parenting style. I know that in the last couple of years though, I have improved, and although I still expect a lot as a parent, I have learned to relax a little too
Christine
.-= Christine Casey´s last blog ..“3,317 Counter Points, Was It Worth Loosing My Family?” =-.
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I am really enjoying your site! You address very important topics. I am learning a lot!
.-= Kevin M.´s last blog ..It is infinitely easier to quit than to endure =-.
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Jacqueline, really liked your post, great information to help people with their parenting I will pass this along to all the parents that I know.
.-= Lori Robertson´s last undefined ..Response cached until Tue 29 @ 20:20 GMT (Refreshes in 55 Minutes) =-.
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Hey Jacqueline
Even though I am not a parent I can relate.
Perfectionism leads to expectations. If everything was just perfect then everything would be just great.
Personally I like imperfect results.
Thanks for the thought provoking post.
.-= Peter Fuller MBA´s last blog ..Why I started my own Home Business =-.
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Great post Jacqueline. I think it would be a wonderful idea if you were to do a video of YOUR before and after look. Pre-half marathon and post-half marathon look might do the trick as well.
It is wonderful to know that even famous women aren’t afraid to be who they are whether we agree with them or not. We can all find 100 people to agree with us and 100 people who will disagree, but one thing I like is the fact that we can all believe what we choose and I am thankful for you stepping up to the plate of the damage that perfectionism, anger, depression and anxieties cause. Keep it coming!
Kellie
Kellie Frazier recently posted..Is Your Life Going in Different Directions – You Are 3-Dimensional So That Makes Perfect Sense-
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Jacqueline – First, I have to admit as a non-parent, I sort of had to push myself to read this post as a fellow TSA member, but am I glad I did! Oh, how I can relate, having grown up with a mom whose favorite word was “should” (in my adult years, I finally got the nerve to start telling her, “Mom, there’s a huge difference between should’s and are’s”), and then watching my older sister, now in her 60s, still not recovered from the demands of a perfectionist, “because I said so” mom.
Somehow, by the grace of God, I feel I’ve escaped the repercussions of that, at least for the most part (I’m sure there is some residual in there somewhere).
Life if not about perfection in every detail, although if we allow ourselves to step back and observe from some distance, we realize that life as a whole is absolutely perfect; that everything falls into place exactly as it should. Case in point, your radio host friend losing contact for 5 minutes — what could have been more perfect at the time!
In thinking back on the people who had the greatest positive impact on my life (and I’m sure this would be the case for most of us) — and especially those women in our lives who were the most influential — they were not the “beautiful” people, but the “plain Janes” who were solid in their beliefs and their unselfish devotion to those around them.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:25 am
Thanks for sharing Peter, Lori, Kevin and Christine! I know that perfectionism is not a parenting-related issue. It is however great when parents can do what you are Christine and relax and show our kids how not to be perfectionists!
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:27 am
Thanks Steve for reading this post, despite wondering if it applied to you! I’m glad you found it helpful. I completely agree that life is perfect, and the so-called imperfections are part of the beauty of the whole.
I’m glad you escaped the perfectionistic trap your mom and sister fell into.
Thanks for sharing!
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Hi Jacqueline,
Yet again a great post from you, I expect quite alot from myself and berate myself when things don’t go to plan.
Hope to pick up more good tips from you.
Take care,
Vanessa
Learning to relax and accept myself for who I am!
.-= Vanessa´s last blog ..Fruits- Vegetables and the Key to Immune System Health =-.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:30 am
Thanks Vanessa. I can relate. Although I am much gentler on myself than I used to be, I continue to grow in my acceptance and self-love, and everyone benefits when I do. I am delighted to be on this journey with you, and to encourage you to be gentle on yourself.
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Jacqueline,
You continue to inspire me to be a better, more loving parent. I appreciate your tips and especially your personal sharing. My take away from this post is the “imperfect perfection” that we all are and can learn to embrace.
Thanks so much,
Adam
.-= Dr. Adam Sheck´s last blog ..Do You Want More Intimacy =-.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:31 am
Thanks Adam! I am glad that I am inspiring you, especially because I find your work so inspiring as well. Happy Fourth of July!
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Enjoyed the post, it’s time we celebrated our flaws, whether as parents or otherwise. Perfection reflects the convoluted thinking that says since i know i am not perfect, i will try and achieve perfect in everything i do, and keep driving myself and everybody else in to endless amounts of pain and guilt while i am at it.
s so much easier as well as more productive and loving to relax and admit to our imperfection, and to even revel in it. Love the title of the post and the phrase ‘perfect imperfection’, which captures our essence perfectly!
Thanks for the post,
Johneal
.-= Johneal Rouse´s last blog ..7 Ways to Turn around a Difficult Day =-.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 9th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Thanks Johneal for your comments. I love sharing what I have learned on my journey, and I know I have learned so much from others. I will check out your blog post; I love the title “7 Ways to Turn around a Difficult Day.” Sounds like something all of us have to do from time to time!
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I have always said that the minds of children are like lumps of clay, ready to be shaped, molded, and influenced. For most of us, that process was very painful in some way. We then grow into adulthood and realize that the “helpless” phase is over. Do we consider ourselves a “victim” or learn and grow from the experiences and take a vow to do better for our own children? Forgiveness for the imperfection of our parents, family members, and ourselves as parents is required too in order to be a happy productive adult and positive example.
You shared some intimate details with us but your intention was realized… I humbly thank you for a great post and your insights.
Warm positive thoughts sent your way,
Deborah
Deborah A. Ten Brink recently posted..“Nature Has Many Lessons To Teach Consider The Spider…”
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 9th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Thank you Deborah for your comments. I agree with you that forgiveness is so important, both of our parents and of ourselves for the inevitable mistakes that we will make as parents. Forgiveness frees us to move on and realize whatever dreams we want to in our lives. I am glad you found this post interesting and relevant.
I’m sending warm positive thoughts back your way!
Jacqueline
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Jacqueline,
The title of your blog post arrived in my email today, immediately after I had completed a Rubenfeld Synergy session with a client who was talking about, you guessed it, “having to be perfect! All I saw was your title, “Great Parenting is Perfect Imperfection” and I was inspired to create my own blog, entitled “Are you Perfect or Perfectly Imperfect?”
Since I had not yet read your blog, I put my own take on the words “perfectly imperfect.” Thank you for inspiring me to write about what I had just encountered in the session this afternoon. Call it serendipity.
Warmly, Erica
Dr,. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Are you Perfect or Perfectly Imperfect
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:30 pm
Neat serendipity Erica! I am delighted to have inspired you to write on this important topic. I loved your post about the Rubenfeld Syndergy work you do. I look forward to reading your post about being “perfectly imperfect!”
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Hi Jacqueline,
having 3 grown boys I fully agree with you that mums don’t have to be perfect.
I take my hat of to any mum who breaks the cycle and doesn’t repeat the mistakes her mother did with her.
I know from experience that is not easy and children seem to bring up unresolved issues.
Combine that with menopause and children in their puberty and conscious parenting becomes a real challenge.
I know I have made a lot of mistakes, but I also know I did my best.
As for looking like a billboard modell is near impossible and probably not good for your health.
Have a great weekend.
Yorinda
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