Last weekend I was away for four days on an amazing course, as part of the Mastery of Self-Expression. My daughter and I texted each other and talked a few times over the weekend. I loved her enthusiastic texts, and felt that we stayed connected through them. So I was that much more surprised and dismayed to come home and cold, unfriendly behavior by her.
Cats are notorious for being unfriendly when their owner returns from a long absence. Some cats pee in their owner’s luggage, while others give them the cold shoulder for the first while. Humans are prone to the same reaction, because like cats, we are creatures of attachments.When someone we are attached to goes away, it is frustrating to us because we want them near. That frustration can lead to us being irritable or cool when they return. When we were first together I experienced this with my husband. I know what it feels like to be cool to him when he first comes home, despite really missing him!
After a few days, it hit me. She was reacting naturally but unconsciously to missing me. What was worse was I was reacting back. Her coolness hurt my feelings because I too had missed her and had experienced some attachment frustration while we were apart. I would love to have shared with her the trip to Vancouver, and when I returned, instead of reconnecting and sharing the highlights, we were in a funk! What a relief to figure out that we each were operating from our attachment frustration, so that I knew what to do to reconnect.
I have the pleasure of working with Jennifer Kolari, author of Connected Parenting . She is going to be one of the experts this winter on my Parenting TeleSummit- Middle School Edition. We talked about this phenomenon, and she mentioned that after an absence, parents have a great chance to do baby play. She went on to give some examples of how baby play works.
Baby play can be similar to the way couples are gooey gooey with each other when they first meet, except that it may be mostly one-sided. The parent can use baby talk and say things like, "I know you are a big boy but you’ll always be my baby," and snuggle up to her kid. If the baby play isn’t working, your kid’s response will show you! Chances are good though that your child will eat up your actions because they meet a core need.
Do your kids come into your bed in the morning to snuggle? That’s baby play. Our limbic system craves that level of connection, which is why even big kids relish that time with their parents. I know I’ve craved snuggling up to my mom, and I still do snuggle up to my grandmother occasionally! Baby play is not just for those lucky babies!
Baby play is more about the mood you create than doing a specific action. Another way of doing what Kolari calls baby play is to go over old photos with your child. At my course I had written about Lauren’s birth. Sharing that story with her is a perfect example of baby play that fit that situation perfectly.
What are some of your favorite ways to connect with your kids through baby play? If you identify what you are already doing that qualifies as baby play, then the trick is to intentionally apply it when your child needs it most. For me, that was when I returned from my trip. I also plan to consciously do baby play with my 12 year old son tonight when I tuck him in. Lately I’ve been sensing that he wants something from me, and that might just be what he is craving. Baby play is a powerful way to connect with our kids (or spouses), and is something we all need more of!
