Many parents have no idea how much power tears have in helping their kids become resilient, competent people. When my children were young I had the good fortune to learn about this important psychological ally from Dr. Gordon Neufeld, best-selling author of Hold on to Your Kids. Instead of trying to get my kids to cry, I learned to encourage healthy tears when appropriate, and that, as they say, has made all the difference in my parenting.
For kids to adapt to what isn’t working in their life, they need to feel their sorrow, which more often than not when they are small, involves tears. Sometimes kids get stuck developmentally and they don’t feel their sadness or have their tears. The sad thing is that when kids lose their tears, they aren’t able to learn from what isn’t working for them, and are often destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over.
I want to share a powerful example of how a parent used this information to help her daughter. The story is written in the moms’ words, in the first person and all names have been changed to protect the family’s privacy.
My daughter became stuck in her defense against her tears and vulnerability when she was young. I learned to help Erin to feel her tears, instead of reacting harshly and lashing out verbally or physically. Last night was a perfect example of where helping her find her sadness stopped her from reacting angrily to a situation she didn’t like.
Erin was vacuuming the floor because it was her turn. She forgot to do the front entrance, and when I reminded her, she snapped. Her behavior was rapidly deteriorating and by her words I could tell she was in a bad place. She said things like, “You never check when Peter vacuums. I hate vacuuming. I’m not going to do it.”
In the past I used to get sucked in to a power struggle (I relapsed recently, so I had some vivid reminders of why I didn’t want to go there again!). So I came on her side and empathized with her situation. I said things like, “you really don’t want to vacuum.” I showed her that I understood that she really didn’t want to vacuum.
At one point when she was grudgingly picked up the vacuum, she hurt herself on the metal rod. She cried and cried. I took her in my arms and held her. After awhile she calmed down, and then she finished the job without another complaint. She was loving and happy with me afterwards, when in the beginning of her resistance she was saying things like, “You hate me.”
In the middle of her tears and carrying on, I was tempted to relieve her of some of her job. Fortunately I know that one of my most important jobs as a parent is to help her to accept limits so that she will be able to adapt and thrive in the world. So I held firm, sympathizing with the fact that she had to do the job while being firm that she had to do it.
This is a powerful example of how tears can take an angry, stuck child and transform him or her into a much more compliant, happy child.
Before signing off, I want to add that it is equally important that you have your own tears about that which isn’t working for you. As soon as Dr. Neufeld explained why tears are important, my years in the counselor’s chair crying made sense! At the time I thought my tears were a bit over the top, but I knew I needed help so I kept going. Besides, I always felt better after having my tears.
Now I know that those tears were absolutely necessary for me to mature further and find better ways of getting my needs met. Through having my tears, cognitive therapy and other personal growth, I learned how to overcome depression, anxiety issues and major parenting challenges. If you are frustrated with your kids or other aspects of your life, see if you can find a way to have your own tears first, before trying to tackle the challenge. You may need to call a friend or go see a counselor or coach to find your tears, and you’ll be glad you did.
I’d love to hear your experiences with helping your kids have their tears, or with having your own. Leave your comments below.
December 10, 2008
Interesting. I’d never thought of tears that way. When I was a child, my mom frequently made me feel bad about crying and would say things like “if you’re going to do that just go in your own room because I don’t want to hear it.” I can almost see saying things like that if a child is just screeching and throwing a fit on purpose, but I think most of the time kids are genuinely upset about something and, like the mom in the story said, want someone to understand. My 2.5-year-old cries rather frequently, and the best way to get her to calm down is to hold her or sit down with her and let her explain what’s wrong, and then talk about it together. Even if there’s nothing that can be done to fix the situation (usually it’s over an item she can’t have), this almost always helps her feel better. A lot of parents criticize or punish their kids for crying over something they deem trivial (but which is important to the child) and it usually seems to result in an even bigger tantrum.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Hi Jenny! I also found it fascinating when I first learned about the power of tears. Thanks for your comments. It sounds like you are naturally on the right track with your daughter. She’s a lucky girl!
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
January 15th, 2010 at 9:47 pm
I just did a powerful interview with an author Jennifer Kolari. I thought you might want to listen to the audio. Kolari’s book, Connected Parenting, is the best overall parenting book I’ve read in 10 years of parenting education. She was a great interviewee, and had wonderful tips. I wish I’d read her book when my kids were in that 2 – 3 year old stage!
http://www.attendthisevent.com/Classic/?eventid=10590078.
The audio will be taken down next Thursday night. If you decide to listen to it and want to comment, please do!
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