Does it sometimes seem difficult to motivate yourself to do what needs to be done in a day? Do you feel anxious about the future, and have troubles enjoying the present? Do you feel frustrated by your inability to make your life the way you want it to be? If so, these feeling will make parenting much more difficult. The good news is you can learn to overcome these feelings and become a happier, more resilient mom as a result.
Growing up, I didn’t understand why so many things were a big deal to my mom. She was frequently cranky with us and short on patience. Yet now that I am a mother, I have a lot more empathy and understanding. Not only did she have too much on her plate, but I also suspect that my mom battled with depressed thoughts, which fueled her irritability. As I’ve worked to overcome my own issues, I have learned that my mood management is job number 1.
As someone who has twice been diagnosed with clinical depression, I have had my own issues with irritability and crankiness. I’ve been fortunate enough to learn skills to deal with my previous clinical depressions, so that I haven’t had to be on long-term medication. I have become quite optimistic, and I often have no symptoms of depression. I’ve heard though that depression and anxiety are like diabetes, that we can learn to manage these mood issues, but we are never fully cured.
I can see the truth of that when I am stressed or physically depleted. At those times, I have a tendency to have depressed thoughts reemerge, making my mood management a top priority again. One of the tools I’ve used heavily is cognitive behavior therapy, or CBT for short. I use a Depression Checklist devised by David Burns to assess my mood whenever I sense depressed thoughts are present. One of the question on the checklist is, "Do you have to push yourself hard to do things?" When I’m feeling depressed, everything seems like a big deal, and I often score high on this question.
Prior to become aware of this thought-pattern, I thought everything was a big deal! It was hard to motivate myself to do what needed doing, and so I often got irritable with the kids because I was already stressed. I recognize this same trait in my mom and sister, leading me to suspect that depression has robbed them of a lot of joy as well.
Now I know to watch my moods when I have too much going on, or when my iron levels dip. I often train for half marathons, and as the mileage increases, have to watch that my iron levels don’t dip. Low iron causes similar symptoms to depression, and can cause similar thoughts of hopelessness. I also often have a busy lifestyle that can tip me into battling thoughts that lead to depression or anxiety.
I’m writing this article today because I have both had a lot going on and I’m physically tired from my long run this week. Last week I was away for a 5 day business trip. Not only that, but the kids had a non-student Friday, which shortened my work week. I planned to work anyways but with my daughter missing me after my time away, I decided to take most of the day off to be with her. Then for my long run, I ran 12 miles or 16 km as part of training for a half marathon in June. That was enough of a push to leave me wanting to sit on the couch for the rest of the day!
The two events combined to make me feel a bit down this morning. Fortunately I was well aware of what was fueling the thoughts, and so I wasn’t cranky or irritable with the kids. I know that this feeling will pass as I get back on top of my workload, so that it feels more like the joyous work that it really is than the overwhelming mass of tasks that I envisioned first thing this morning! I’m grateful for knowing this mood will shift, because I used to get depressed about feeling depressed, a cycle that was not good at all!
I’d love to hear your experiences with mood management. I have also used CBT and mindful meditation to help me deal with anxiety issues. Daniel Amen says that something like 70% of people who suffer from depression also suffer from anxiety. As my depression has become less and less of an issue, I’ve become more aware of my anxiety issues. Anxiety too can feed crankiness and other mood issues for me.
Parenting has given me a huge gift because I have become aware of mood issues that affected me my whole life. Before these issues got better though they got worse, so that didn’t always seem like a gift! I love working with other parents to help you learn how to overcome your mood issues so that you can become the person and the parent you want to be. Stable, optimistic moods are a key part of leading a happy life, and no matter how big an issue depression and anxiety is for you, you can learn how to overcome these mood issues.
I love how quickly I bounce back now from even temporary dips like this morning. I now feel exhilarated from a productive, enjoyable day. One perk was I received a wonderful testimonial this morning from a parent about how my work has touched her life. However, the main reason I am so exuberant now is because I didn’t let my mood plunge like I would have years ago. I am deeply grateful for the tools I now have that keep depressed and anxious thoughts at bay.
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Enjoyed your post Jacqueline. When I’m having my down days (which have become hours finally rather than days)I put on some inspirational audios to listen to or have just run in the back ground. As I am writing this I am also listening to Andy Andrews from Marc Victor Hansen’s Megabook seminar. Love listening to and having them play in the back ground to help get me back on track. With that said, it is my own personal surrender and attitude of gratitude that truly helps me the most.
Kellie
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Hi Jacqueline, thanks for your article which reminded me why I feel a bit down today. It usually is, as you say, because I’ve overdone it the day before. I like to keep track of what I do, what I eat and how I sleep etc. but sometimes things get on top of you and it affects your mood.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Thanks Kellie for sharing what works for you when you have down moments.
Leila, I’m glad my article was a good reminder for you today. I know that this is a common problem for many of us. I hope you are able to restore your equilibrium quickly!
Thanks for sharing.
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Oh my Lord! “Low iron causes similar symptoms to depression, and can cause similar thoughts of hopelessness” Is this true?
It hit me like a ton of bricks… I’ve noticed MORE thoughts of hopelessness with my cycle each month but never put it together with the Dr before having said my iron was low…something so simple can impact how we view life! Thank you for sharing.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
I’m glad to hear that was helpful to share. My doctor has commented on how the depletion that happens when I am low in iron can cause me to feel down, and I can absolutely vouch for the accuracy of what she says! It sounds like you can too!
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I really appreciate your transparency. You are right on with this article – mood management is #1 for me also!
Much Love,
Amy
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 10:26 am
Thanks Amy. I looked at your website and see that you have a lot of great skills yourself for managing moods. I commend you for offering your skills to moms who need the help. We are all uplifted when we lift each other up, and sharing that we have similar problems can be the first step.
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Hi Jacqueline, I totally agree with you, that mood management is where it’s at. As Scott Noelle says, any sort of anxious or stressful feeling inside your body are like a red light saying, calm down, reach for thoughts that feel better (or something like that – I’m paraphrasing from memory here).
I reversed fibromyalgia, over time, with the help of new thoughts like this. I read David Burns’ book but getting fed the new thoughts didn’t work for me so I played with my own thoughts a lot until I found something that let me feel better and let go of the issue at hand.
anyway, I appreciate this post and your honesty. Lisa
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
May 6th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Thanks Lisa for your sharing your experience and wisdom! One of the reasons I started the Parenting Summit is because I believe that there are many paths to where we want to go. I’m glad that Scott Noelle had a method that worked for you better than David Burns’ method. I might have found the same if I had encountered Scott Noelle’s work.
I am so delighted to hear that you were able to reverse fibromyalgia. That is such a major accomplishment, and something that so many sufferers can learn from. Thanks for sharing and I’ll send any fibromyalgia sufferers I meet your way.
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Amy Bush (above) passed your article along to her list and I’m glad she did! I was born a dwarf and battled all sorts of negativity (within and without) for years. I learned first hand that my own mood management is key to peace and joy! Now that I have kids, it’s even more crucial since it is way too “easy” to criticize them when it’s my own mood (self-criticism) that is the real issue. Thanks for the reminder about iron too : ) Keep up the great work!
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
May 6th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
I am delighted to meet you Julie (thanks Amy for passing on my post!) and to hear your comments. I checked out your site and put your book on my reading list! I’d love to interview you for my Parenting Expert Teleseminar Series. Your story is very inspiring.
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The more real we are the more we can help others! It is lovely how different people respond to different methods and that is one reason I like to pass along posts like yours – it speaks to such an important issue and you said it very well
). Thanks again, Jacqueline.
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Great article..and discussion…In the past when my kids were babies or toddlers…I relied heavily on “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle..to manage stress. Accept this moment now…you are in a public place and your child will not stop screaming..and there is no remedy in sight…accept this moment now.
Almost like I could see myself from the perspective of many lifetimes…having compassion for myself in this one…while the screaming rang in my ears…
Now…that the children are much more interactive and require more thinking, and talking…so I cannot just breathe…I must act…or interact… I use techniques from “Abraham Hicks”. Specifically…I try and notice what my thoughts are at the moment of stress… LIke:
“They always do this.” Then I try to identify my belief behind that thought. Children are naturally irritating..or they aren’t even trying. THEN…I realize that my thought creates my reality..and I try to identify what reality I would like. I would like for my children to try harder, I would like us to flow easier in our relationship.
Then..
I say things to my self that will soften my stance…like. You know the children really do try hard most of the time. They make about the same amount of mistakes that I do. They are fun most of the time. Someday I’ll wish that they were leaving a mess in my bathroom. This really is fun to live this crazy life together. …and if I’m really having a hard time. I’ll take one of these…and chant it….like hundreds of times (while praying for grace)…
After saying and chanting these things…I find to my astonishment..that the children conform to my new outlook…they are mostly helpful, they are mostly sweet, they do try hard most of the time…even when they make a mistake they are usually trying pretty hard. ..and so my thoughts do create my reality (I diligently think good thought about my amazing husband as well)
Russelle
Russelle recently posted..Musicians in Oil Pastel
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
July 9th, 2010 at 11:15 am
Thanks Russelle for your wonderful comments. I could turn your reply into a guest blog post! I am increasingly using Abraham Hicks’ ideas of focusing on what I want, and finding that so powerful. When I notice what I don’t want, I remind myself that I am being given the opportunity to focus. Then noticing negative things is just a fun challenge to be overcome.
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