On a radio interview the other day, I coined the term super moms on steroids. At least I haven’t heard anyone else use the term. It seems like a pretty apt description of what is happening on the playgrounds these days. The topic was how we hurt ourselves by trying to be the perfect parent. Our generation didn’t invent this phenomenon, but we have taken it to a whole new height.
We admire Martha Stewart, and even envy her, but do you really like her? Probably not, if you are like most women who feel somehow less-than because we can’t churn out perfectly thought-out meals, decor and yards, etc. etc. Yet despite not even liking her and others who seem too perfect to be true, we are more and more obsessed with trying to project a perfect image of ourselves and our children to the rest of the world,
Just like Jeff Foxworthy helped everyone identify if you were a red neck, I’d like to offer a sample list to help you with your self identification. Don’t worry, there is a support group you can join if you say yes to one or more of the following!
You may be a Super Mom on Steroids if:
- You feel like MURDERING your child because he or she made you look less than perfect (Fortunately you have perfected the art of hissing your death threats).
- You feel MORE PROUD of your child’s A on her report than she does (probably because you worked harder on it than her).
- You NEVER leave the house until every hair is in place, both yours AND your kids (Kids needing to go into emergency in the middle of the night presents an absolute crisis in priorities).
- You CAN’T FUNCTION without the use of professional organizing tools such as daytimers or software to keep track of your kids events (thank God for that new app that lets you sync that software with your iPhone).
- IT KILLS YOU to wait five minutes in line at Starbucks (that’s because it takes all five of your body’s patience cells).
- You NEED CAFFEINE to keep your insane schedule going, and to keep yourself from touching the ground (so expecting you to be patient in Starbucks is not fair actually).
- You can say GREAT, in answer to a query about how you are, (even though you know your Prozac isn’t working anymore and you just had a panic attack in your vehicle minutes earlier)
- Your kids are on MORE MEDICATION than you are (This sometimes makes you feel like the saner one).
- You debate the merits of your kids getting plastic surgery (after all, if their nose isn’t perfect, how will they survive in this cruel, superficial world)
Although I am making fun of the Super Mom on Steroids, in reality, it usually isn’t funny to live that way. It is very ironic that trying to be perfect so often produces such horrible results. Perfectionism is a gladiator sport, with your sanity often being the victim.
Next week I’ll write about THE DARK SIDE of trying to be a Super Mom on steroids. Even though I touched on some pretty dark aspects of the pursuit of perfection today, I was only talking about the women who stay in the battle and feel that perfectionism is still attainable. The mothers who’ve internalized the ideal but just can’t even come close make up another huge set of casualties.
Let me know about your experience of living in a world where Super Mom is idealized and internalized. How has your life been affected? Leave a comment below. Then include your friends in the discussion by sharing this on Facebook, Twitter or other social media, using the buttons listed at the top of the blog or below.
Jacqueline,
Great post, very humorous description of a very serious subject. It’s the shadow side of the Superwoman Syndrome (if the term doesn’t exist, I just made it up, but feel free to use it anyway). I can’t wait for Part 2 on how to deal with it.
Thanks,
Adam
Dr. Adam Sheck´s last blog ..3 P’s of Relationship Dynamics: Pick, Provoke & Project
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Hi Jacqueline!
Wow, that was not the direction I imagined this post going when I read the title! I actually love what Dr. Adam said in the comment above, that perfectly describes what I was imagining ~ Superwomen Syndrome ~ you know, I’m constantly juggling 30 balls and doing everything I can to make sure one doesn’t fall! With 2 businesses, school, and of course being a supermom and superwife!, I’ve definitely feel like I’ve earned my cape!
Upon reading your post and realizing that you were talking about perfectionism, I had an interesting realization. I grew up a super-perfectionist, but since becoming a mom, I have completely loosened up! So does that make me a supermom on valium? lol
Anyhow, I’m so glad to have found my way to your blog, as a mom of a 2 1/2 year old and hopefully more soon, I will definitely find great resources here, thanks!
Beth Allen´s last blog ..The 5 Major Pieces to the Life Puzzle
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Thanks Dr. Adam for your comments about the darkside of the Superwoman Syndrome, and the use of this great phrase!
Beth Allen, it sounds like you’ve worked through your perfectionism and come out the other side. It is possible, and with the hyper focus on helicopter parenting, many parents who started out normal become perfectionistic! I’m glad you went the other way, because it is no fun being a Super Mom on steroids!
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Hello Jacqueline. Another great post. I can relate to this. I went through a time where I tried to be that and I just made my daughter mad and everyone upset because I was running around trying to do everything and make sure everything was great. I found it is not worth it. Yes I take care of things, but sometimes it’s okay to do things later to spend good time together. I look forward to your next post.
Julie Elliott´s last blog ..Weight Loss Journey week 2
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:57 am
Thanks Julie! I’m glad that you too found a calmer way! Nobody wins when we try to twist ourselves up like a pretzel in order to be everything to all people.
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Such a fun post to read Jacqueline. Sad commentary though on Parenting today. I’m so glad I don’t have to do it today. My hats off to all you parents for the efforts you put in raising children in this age.
Nelson´s last blog ..“The Prisoner Exchange”
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:58 am
Thanks Nelson! Yes it is crazy times to raise kids, but each age has its challenges. I loved your Prisoner Exchange article, and can see that your mom had a great parenting style.
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This is the reality of so many women and men! I guess its more the super parent on steroids since so many men now stay home with their kids. Great job on this post and I see an e-book coming for sure!
Kellie
Kellie Frazier´s last blog ..Connecting to The Power of Questions and Being a Leader in Communication
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:59 am
Thanks Kellie! Yes, many men get caught up in the same craziness.
The ebook is coming, based on transcripts from a couple of radio interviews. Thanks for encouraging me to get it done!
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Very interesting post! I enjoyed it and will be coming back to read more when we have our first child
I can learn a lot from you and this is a wonderful resource.
Thanks
Gavin Mountford
Gavin Mountford´s last blog ..I Can Type *65 Words Per Minute*… What About You?
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 9:01 am
Thanks Gavin! It’s great that you are already thinking about your parenting before it even happens. It is a big job and it helps to know in advance how you want to parent. That doesn’t mean you won’t have challenges, but it will help you find your path!
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I remember when my son was going to preschool and on holidays, other mothers would bring in gift bags for the kids – it actually didn’t matter what holiday it was (you could make one up ) and the mothers would do this. So I felt compelled to create 20+ little gift bags throughout the school year for the little ones. I soon realized I was trying to be like the other mothers ….Heavens, what would they think! So, I stopped. It was making me crazy. LOL!
Lesly´s last blog ..What Numbness Does
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 9:02 am
Thanks Lesly! I found myself doing similar things when the kids were young, even though that is completely not in my nature. Good for you for stopping and realizing that you were only making yourself crazy! Your stopping may have inspired other moms to drop a make-work project they didn’t need!
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When my kids were in kindergarten the moms began one-upping each other like crazy. Small birthday treats (a pencil for every kid) turned into giant cupcakes then bags of halloween candy and chocolate easter lootbags etc. I was dismayed that I was sending my children to school with healthy lunches only to discover they weren’t finishing them because they had already eaten a full size candy bar or a massive over-sized cupcake. Never mind that I hadn’t sanctioned such treats or that it often conflicted with or overshadowed the modest holiday treat I had planned for our own family to mark the occasion. Teachers were using up curriculum time to distribute 20 sets of tiny little valentines cards that just clutter up our homes and head straight for the garbage because they are completely meaningless. A few of us brought the issue to the attention of the principal who agreed that it was getting out of hand and ran contrary to the mandate of our school. She wisely put a stop to the shenanigans by setting a blanket rule of no outside treats or gifts. I cannot tell you the uproar it created. People were hopping mad. Several moms actually complained because their kids wouldn’t be bringing home a crafty mother’s day gift. People, do the craft WITH your kid! Other moms felt is was so unfair that their kids weren’t going to have the same experiences they did when they were growing up. They don’t understand that it’s a different environment today. It’s not the administration that’s ‘robbing’ their kids of those experiences, it’s the competition level and the lack of hands-on involvement. Send in a store-bought solution, make someone else distribute it but take the credit. Eventually of course the dust settled and the rule is no longer challenged. But at the time, boy did they resent the message that showing off at school was no longer welcome and they might have to mark an occasion at home authentically instead.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 7:01 pm
I’m glad that situation got resolved Miriam. It is too easy for those things to get out of hand. No one is served, least of all the children.
Thanks for sharing!
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This is such an important topic to address! As a dad, I have to evaluate my motives in these areas as well.
Great post!
Kevin M.´s last blog ..Who can you run alongside of and cheer on today?
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I know the Superwoman Syndrome well! I lived it for years and now I’m on the lighter side and call myself a well-balanced Superwoman now…thank God! I have 10,000 members (all Superwomen/Supermoms themselves) (at http://www.thefriendshipmovement.com) who know it is very real and very alive. You had a great way of shining a light on the subject! It needs to be talked about.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 23rd, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Thanks Dena for sharing. I am glad you’ve found the light side of the term Superwoman! Looks like you have a great community of women to support each other in remaining sane. Let me know if you want me to be your parenting expert.
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Being a mom is probably the most underated job in the world. I think most mom’s deserve some sort of supermom award.
Great post!
Scott Manesis
Scott Manesis´s last blog ..So You Want To Start A Home Business….What Is Your Marketing Strategy?
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 23rd, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Thanks Scott for your accurate comments! When I was a full-time mom, I used to joke that it was the least respected job in the world. I didn’t find leaving the corporate world hard, but I did miss the automatic respect that my old job commanded! I agree that moms deserve a Super Mom award, and we all do better if we are clear that we don’t have to be perfect. Ironically trying to be perfect in all aspects of parenting can take away from the unique gifts that a mom possesses.
Thanks for sharing!
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