Last week I wrote about how praise can feel like indirect criticism (Read post here ). I was inspired to write about this phenomenon after watching a documentary about some young adults who are struggling with college. One of the young men said that praise is the new criticism. Powerful words that encapsulate a lot of the angst and anxiety that our kids are facing as they try to live up to very high expectations.
Yet clearly, as parents we need a way to give feedback to our children. In this article, I’ll outline how to give positive feedback that won’t feel like implied criticism if the praise-worthy action is not repeated in the future. The great news is that not only is it possible to learn a better way than blanket praise, you’ll actually connect more deeply to your children in the process.
Why is praise bad? Part of the problem is that praise, although it may feel good in the moment, has the potential to feel conditional. "Wow, you are such an ace student," sounds great, but it may make your child feel insecure wondering if he can maintain that standing, and what will happen when he doesn’t. As well, instead of building your child up, generic praise can feel hollow and often is rejected by the recipient. We’ve all had people say something like, "This is fabulous. You are such a great cook!", and inside completely rejected the compliment. So praise not only often feels conditional, our children don’t even always accept it as true anyways.
Another problem with praise relates to our motivation for praising. Most parents praise their children to encourage them to develop character, behave appropriately and become resilient, competent adults, amongst other reasons. Because too much praise has a tendency to promote a focus on outward rewards, praise can undermine these very traits that we want to encourage. Often times, to do the right thing involves being able to behave based on our own internal beliefs and strength. Clearly the rampant problem with bullying and bystanders speaks to the fact that many kids are not developing their internal guidance system.
So what are some ways that you can help your child become internally guided and therefore able to do the right thing without needing outside approval to do so?
- Give descriptive feedback.
- Tie the feedback to a value, such as hard –work, persistence or creativity. Each of these are traits your child can tap into, and don’t feel as conditional as a generic, "You did great!" does.
- Tie feedback to goals if that is relevant. If you know your child wanted to score 10 baskets this month, and she did, congratulate her on reaching her goal.
An example of descriptive feedback:
Instead of blanket, general praise, I encourage you to be descriptive, You could say, "Wow. This report is very thorough, neat, well-documented and interesting to read. I especially liked the part where you said, …. I know that you worked hard on this project and put a lot of creativity into it. You earned the great mark you got." You can sum it all up with a word or two that describes the character trait or value that you see your child has demonstrated. "To do such a thorough report took perseverance and dedication," is an example of what you could have said.
In this example, your child still hears your acknowledgement for her accomplishment. However, she also hears that you really read the report and noticed the work she put into it. You could add that because she had done so much work and been so creative, she can feel good about her accomplishment even if the teacher happened not to give her a great mark. The report is an accomplishment in and of itself, without needing the teacher’s evaluation to deem it worthy.
I first learned this concept while teaching the renowned How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk. When my children were young and I first started using this technique, I was surprised by their response. I mentioned to one of the kids that it took perseverance to do something. A few weeks later, my son asked me, "What was that word you used to describe me?" He wanted to refer to himself as having that trait, but he hadn’t heard the term enough yet to remember it. I was struck by the hard evidence that he was absolutely taking my words to heart.
You will see huge rewards if you focus on descriptive feedback instead of praise. With a bit of practice, it becomes easy to describe what you see and reflecting back to our children some of the values and traits we see them demonstrating. Your children will build their sense of self from your words. That is powerful stuff indeed, and will help you help your child become the resilient, competent adult you both want him or her to be.
I hadn’t really thought of these things before. I have a simple philosophy with my kids…love them with my words and actions. I don’t mean try to make them feel good about themselves…I mean genuinely and unquestionably love them.
I think your example of descriptive feedback tends to lean in this direction. It shows that you as a parent are actually deciding to interact and pay attention instead of simply letting out a canned phrase that is supposed to give them some sort of self esteem. As you point out…it is not all it is cracked up to be.
Because my kids know I genuinely love them…they also know that when I praise them…it is genuine…and they love it.
Thanks!
Bruce Backman´s last blog ..Training Video 1
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 10:09 am
It does come down to love, doesn’t it? Praise can be about getting our kids to do what we want, whereas love is about seeing our children for the beautiful souls that they are, and enjoying interacting with them.
Thanks for sharing Bruce!
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Great follow up post to your last one. This is such an important “skill” to learn!
Kevin M.´s last blog ..Silly Saturday – Facebook song
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So important Jackqueline to praise this way. The Child contrary to a parents view is extremely smart and can tell when they are being “Shined” Praise the way you describe tell the child you actually read and understood my work. Good Post. I enjoyed very much and the is no “Shined”
Nelson´s last blog ..“Top Cat Club”
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Thanks Kevin and Nelson for your comments! I love this way of giving feeback because then the child praises him or herself, we just provide information. I love being a supportive mirror for my children.
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Hi Jacqueline, thank you for this outstanding post. As a parent of a teen, I sometimes find it difficult to relate items, such as you described, to him without sounding critical. And, before reading your post, have never thought about how giving praise might come across as feeling conditional. Great examples given on how best to handle praise for your kids
Christine
Christine Casey´s last blog ..Common Mistakes MLM Sponsors Can Make
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Jacqueline,
Giving Genuine Praise is beneficial. When a child deserves praise it is important to give it. When a child makes a mistake you talk about it, explain it and make sure they learn from the mistake. LACK of Punishment can do as much damage as Wrongful Praise.
Enjoyed Reading the post!
Bill
Bill Hartman´s last blog ..Power of the Mind
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 10:27 am
Indeed, Bill lack of feedback about what a child shouldn’t be doing is very damaging as well. It hurts their self-esteem because they know they are doing wrong, most of the time, and it hurts their chances of fitting it with the rest of the world. We need to guide our children and limit setting is crucial.
Thanks for sharing!
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Another great parenting post. I really like the idea of tying in praise with values and goals. It makes sense and I will definitely try it out with my daughter. This series you’ve started on praise is really developing a niche and creating so much credibility for you, thanks so much!
Adam
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 10:25 am
Thanks so much Adam and Christine for your comments. I am delighted to share this information because how we give our kids feedback makes such a huge difference in children.
I just watched a great 7 minute video on this topic. I highly recommend you watch it to reinforce the point, and see a comparison between north americans and asians in this area. Her’s the link to the ABC clip: http://bit.ly/hxs40
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This was a very useful article for me, especially with homeschooling my son. I pulled him out of school for many reasons, bullying by other kids and his teachers really demonstrated how the school system is failing. But your discussion of praise is an interesting one. I communicate to my son the way you suggested which validated how I am approaching his learning at home – so thank you for that. I am always nervous about how I am doing as a homeschool mom …
Thanks!
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:10 am
I’m delighted that this article helped show you that your way of giving your son feedback is healthy and constructive. Homeschooling is a tough job, and you need and deserve validation for your commitment, dedication and hard work.
If you want to check out my Great Parenting Practices page on Facebook, (http://Facebook.com/GreatParentingPractices), I just posted an excellent 7 minute ABC clip on how Asian families often give constructive feedback that raises their children’s marks, whereas North Americans tend to not be helpful at all.
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I teach a class for weight loss, and the women in my group often bring their kids to “sit quietly” while they participate in the class. They always tell me how after they went home, their kids start spewing information from the class–and are shocked that they picked up the lesson! I am always surprised how often this happens, and hearing the anecdote about your son grasping for the work ‘perseverance’ is so powerful. I never realized how much kids pick up or how deliberate we must be with our language when interacting with children. Thanks for sharing Jacqueline!
Melissa McCloud´s last blog ..I Showed You Mine, Now Show Me Yours
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:11 am
Interesting Melissa how you are helping to educate so many kids by teaching the parents! I love parenting because we have a chance to help keep our children’s bright lights bright. Words are powerful, and they do make a huge difference.
Thanks for sharing!
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Words are so powerful. Children are molded by what they hear and see around them. Thanks for reminding all of us to act and be positive.
Lisa Saline´s last blog ..3 Secrets to an Effective Inbound Marketing Campaign
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Jacqueline,
I really loved your post. I know I don’t always spend enough time to be as descriptive as you suggest when I “praise” my girls. I do really see now how generic praise can have negative rather than positive effect on children. And I know I have used such generic praise in the past. You gave some excellent examples that I will use to give proper descriptive feedback. I look forward to helping my girls develop themselves in this way.
I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Dawn
Dave and Dawn Cook´s last blog ..Robert Kiyosaki has the Answer for You!
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 13th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Thanks Dave and Dawn. I love being in parenting education so I can remind myself to keep doing the things I know help kids so much. I’m glad you found my posts useful.
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Great post Jacqueline. I have been trying to do that with our 9 year old. Sometimes I forget but I have noticed a difference when I do give Constructive feedback and praise her for working hard despite what others say or mark her on. I have that book How to talk so kids will listen. I never finished it, I think it’s time to read it again. Thank you for the great post. Have a great weekend.
Julie Elliott´s last blog ..Weight Loss Journey week 2
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 13th, 2010 at 5:30 pm
It’s great that you have already been giving your daughter constructive feedback and praise. The How to Talk so Kids Will Listen book is a classic, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy rereading it. Thanks for sharing your experience!
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Hi Jacqueline! I love this post! It is so important to give praise in the proper way – this applies to adults as well as kids! Recognizing and verbalizing the details lets the person know that you really paid attention and that you are sincere rather than just blowing smoke. Your article will help me give better praise as well, as I work with kids in a therapeutic horsebackriding program. I appreciate the level of detail and deep understanding demonstrated in your article (see, it’s helping me already LOL) .
–Lori
Lori Tisot´s last blog ..How to Implement “Do Follow” on Your Blog – Get Your Links Noticed
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 13th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
LOL! I love how you were so descriptive in your compliments Lori! You’ve demonstrated that it can be fun to give praise in the right way as well as more effective. I totally agree that this applies very well to adults as well as kids. Thanks for your thoughtful and witty comments!
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Excellent post. Is so true that praise often comes across as conditional love, and that the child’s self worth becomes inadvertently attached to the need to continue receiving parental praise. Communicating love irrespective of performance, and taking the time to notice and appreciate specific aspects about how a child is doing will make a huge difference to his or her development.
Thanks for the post,
Johneal
Johneal Rouse´s last blog ..Reframing Adversity and Powerlessness- 2
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 13th, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Thanks Johneal for sharing. You are so right that taking time to noice and appreciate specific things our child is doing is so important. We all benefit from positive feedback, and we all crave being noticed.
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I’m sitting here listening to your perfectionistic parenting interview on the Victoria radio station right now (your on break) and I LOVE IT!! You are fabulous and have grown in giant ways my friend. Amazing Jacqueline.
As for this post, again, excellent information and examples for parents. We are all human and when emotions run high our thoughts do not process the way they normally would so we see this our methods failing. It doesn’t matter….fail forward. We need to get back up on that path of praising our kids in appropriate ways.
Thank you for educating all of us parents!
Kellie
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
June 13th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Great way to put it Kellie, fail forward. We don’t even need to always praise correctly, and if we didn’t know, or forgot how to do it better, then we just need to correct and continue.
Thanks for the compliment on my interview and my work in general. You are an inspiring model, a great mastermind partner and a wonderful friend! One of the perks of working online instead of just offline is meeting other parenting educators like yourself.
Thanks for sharing!
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Hi Jacqueline,
great point that praise can sometimes have the opposite effect, like worrying if we can live up to it in the future.
I agree with you that praise need to be genuine and specific. Doing this means being really present and tuned into where the other person, or your child is at and where they come from.
Great insightful article.
I would love to see a world that has more aware parents like you in it.
Thank YOU!
Yorinda
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Thanks Yorinda! It is my mission to help other parents become more aware, and reap the many benefits. I started out quite the parenting mess, which makes me that much more delighted to have a happy family life now. I’m glad you liked my article.
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praise can feel like indirect criticism – this could because a child feels pressure of maintaining its performance ( e.g. working to stay on top of the class because so much is expected from you).
This is a very nice article of reflection.
Greg Cynaumon recently posted..Why take my advice
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