In this series of tips on parenting, I have to add one that I see very commonly, with sometimes tragic consequences. As a parenting coach and educator, I always feel sad when a parent approaches me whose kids are already in major trouble. These parents care about their kids, but for whatever reason, they didn’t address issues when they were smaller. Now they are faced with much tougher issues that require much tougher choices.
I blame this situation on three things:
- denial,
- a misplaced trust that their kid will grow out of the problem
- a lack of knowledge of how to deal with the problem, sometimes combined with pessimism that the problem can even be dealt with.
Many parents let their child’s issues either slowly grow, or simmer for years. They may try at times to solve the problem, but unsuccessfully. Unfortunately, more often than not, that problem that seemed unsolvable when your child is younger, or you hoped would just go away, instead grows and grows until it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For example, a child who has behavior problems as a preschooler can turn into a runaway who is a drug addict in his or her teens. One problem may seem tough but is solvable, the other may truly be beyond your abilities. Or the child who lashes out at you and has anger control issues as a toddler or young child can become a teen who is violent and can’t live with you or cope with others.
This point came home the other day when dealing with a client. When she came to me, she shared that her son has been lying for years. Now, her son is now in trouble with the law. What began as a serious warning sign, but easy to ignore problem, has become a much more serious issue that will take at least nine times as much work. I feel very sad for her because now she sees that she should have got help earlier. Whereas before she could have stopped the lying altogether even if it took a lot of work on her part, now she is faced with much more serious legal consequences for his behavior.
If you are like most parents nowadays, free time isn’t something that you have much of. By the time you are done work, looking after the household and taking care of your kids, you may feel that you don’t have time left to be proactive. However, when your son is suddenly dealing with the court system, you find the time to deal with the issue. Why not start now when your child’s issues are small?
Some things have changed dramatically, but some age-old advice is still sound. A stitch in time can save nine. Time spend proactively as a parent bonding with your child and dealing with issues while they are small, will save you tons of time, and prevent irreparable problems as your child gets older.
We all mean well as parents. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of what is the real priority. That’s why I’m writing this series of tips on parenting, so that we can all save ourselves a lot of pain and suffering from problems that grow instead of get dealt with.
Comment below and share your experience with problems that grew, or that you were able to nip in the bud. Also share this post with your friends so that more parents can get the gentle reminder to deal with those issues that they putting off or only vaguely aware of with their kids.
Thanks for this post. My little one is 16 months old and has started to have tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants – I’ve found myself giving in on a few occasions. How would I stop these tantrums in the first place? Any advice would be much appreciated!
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Hi Vanessa,
I am excited that you are reaching out for help now, because this is such a crucial juncture. Although kids can learn better behavior later in life, if you catch this in the bud now, it will save you a lot of angst!
I would highly recommend you pick up the book Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari. She does an excellent job of covering how to deal with temper tantrums. I am planning to do a video blog post about this soon, so also return here for more ideas. You also can go to her website: http://www.ConnectedParenting.com. It is very possible to learn how to deal with temper tantrums so that they never become a big issue.
Keep in touch! I’d love to hear how you are doing in a few weeks, after you’ve read her book and/or gone to her website and seen my video blog post.
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It is so easy to advise people with major parenting problems that they should have solved them sooner. Do you not think that the parent already knows this? I don’t feel this is very positive towards the parent dealing with a stressful situation at this time. You don’t need to be an expert to be able to point fingers after the fact. What I am looking for from a parenting advisor or educator is HOW to solve these problems. Could you give some advice on how the parent could have dealt with the young child lying? You say they could have stopped this, HOW? This would be a great help to parents dealing with a similar situation with their young children. now and help them avoid the problems your client has now with her teenager. Look forward to your advice.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
March 23rd, 2011 at 10:28 am
Great point Theresa. I planned to address this in my next blog post, which I’ll post on Saturday morning. I did not mean to be simplistic at all, and I know many parents who don’t realize that the problem may in fact get worse.
I am also doing a video on temper tantrums soon that I’ll post on this page. Also, if you scroll down through past blog posts, you’ll see that I do offer specific tips on a number of issues.
Thanks for your comment Theresa.
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