Tips on Parenting; The Surprising Power and Importance of Tears

One of the most powerful tips on parenting I learned 10 years ago when my kids were toddlers, was the power that tears in helping your kids become resilient, successful and happy adults. In so many ways psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, best-selling author of Hold on to Your Kids, was ahead of his time. His sage advice, based on the latest research at the time, has been a major help for me in raising emotionally healthy, resilient and happy children.

He taught about a little known psychological fact: for kids to adapt to what isn’t working in their life, they need to feel their sorrow, which more often than not when they are small, involves tears. Sometimes kids get stuck developmentally and they don’t feel their sadness or have their tears. The sad thing (pun not intended!) is that when kids lose their tears, they aren’t able to learn from what isn’t working for them, and are often destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over.

What most parents do, and what I did prior to working with Neufeld, is try to get my kids NOT to cry. I had the normal reaction when my kids cried of wanting the noise to stop, and wanting them to be happy. However, I learned to encourage healthy tears when appropriate, and that, as they say, has made all the difference in my parenting.

I want to share a powerful example of how a parent used this information to help her daughter.

My daughter became stuck in her defense against her tears and vulnerability when she was young. She was a tough child to discipline, and so I had become harsh with her from my frustration. Through learning about Neufeld’s work, I learned to help Erin to feel her tears, instead of reacting harshly and lashing out verbally or physically.

Last night was a perfect example of where helping her find her sadness stopped her from reacting angrily to a situation she didn’t like. Erin was vacuuming the floor because it was her turn. She forgot to do the front entrance, and when I reminded her, she snapped. Her behavior was rapidly deteriorating and by her words I could tell she was in a bad place. She said things like, “You never check when Peter vacuums. I hate vacuuming. I’m not going to do it.”

In the past I used to get sucked in to a power struggle (I relapsed recently, so I had some vivid reminders of why I didn’t want to go there again!). So I came on her side and empathized with her situation. I said things like, “you really don’t want to vacuum.” I showed her that I understood that she really didn’t want to vacuum.

At one point when she was grudgingly picked up the vacuum, she hurt herself on the metal rod. She cried and cried. I took her in my arms and held her. After awhile she calmed down, and then she finished the job without another complaint. She was loving and happy with me afterwards, when in the beginning of her resistance she was saying things like, “You hate me.”

In the middle of her tears and carrying on, I was tempted to relieve her of some of her job. Fortunately I know that one of my most important jobs as a parent is to help her to accept limits so that she will be able to adapt and thrive in the world. So I held firm, sympathizing with the fact that she had to do the job while being firm that she had to do it.

This is a powerful exaample of how tears can take an angry, stuck child and transform him or her into a much more compliant, happy child.

I’d love to hear your experiences with helping your kids have their tears, or with having your own. Do you instinctively snuggle your child when they cry, or do you find as I did at first, that when your kids cry you want them to stop? Comment on your experience, and share this powerful tip on parenting with the parents you know.

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