I am going to share with you one of the most profound tips on parenting. but one that is also hard for many to understand and apply at first. If you are a parent with high standards, and you find yourself impatient with yourself and your kids when you fail to meet those standards, read on. Many parents battle with self-sabotaging perfectionism; the higher your standards, the less patient most parents are, and the harder it is to achieve those very standards that mean so much to you.
One of my biggest ways that I provide help for parents stems from the fact that I was a struggling, frustrated parent who was also overwhelmed and filled with thoughts that I’d never get parenting figured out. Long after I started teaching parenting classes I was battling with my kids and feeling like a failure as a parent way too often. I worried that my kids would grow up hating me, messed up or just not be close to me because of all our conflict during their childhood. Yet I persisted in trying to be a better parent, just as you are, and eventually found an answer that was not in the parenting books I was reading or the courses I was teaching or taking.
Parenting was not a strength for me in the early years. I am not the classic parenting educator who from day one did all the right things and raised two perfect kids who have excelled and made me proud starting with their emergence from the birth canal. Trust me, that is what I would have chosen as my story if I could have, and yet I know that I can help so many parents precisely because I’ve been in the trenches with the screaming, tantruming child, faced my parental failings, and the conviction that I just couldn’t do this parenting thing, and eventually learned how to get to the place I want to be with my kids.
I have made many of the classic mistakes that other educators, and even myself, taught not to do. I was way too hard on my kids and created many problems later in their lives because of my unrealistic expectations of them. However, I did what every parent does, I did the best I knew how.
My parenting improved dramatically when I finally quit focusing solely on new tips on parenting to solve my parenting problems, and instead began to be gentle with myself for my many failings. I “knew” what to do to be the great parent I wanted to be, yet time and time again I found myself yelling at my kids or otherwise struggling to implement the great tips on parenting that I was surrounded with. My problem was not lack of information on how to be a great parent, it was lack of faith that I would be able to become the parent I wanted to be, and lack of patience with myself as I learned.
I now spend much more time imagining the great outcomes for me and my family than I do on seeing what we are doing wrong. This positive focus, and my acceptance that my mistakes in the past were the best I could do at the time, has resulted in a wonderful shift with my family. When the kids are misbehaving, as they did this morning, I am able to stay calm knowing that we can talk about the situation later when they are calmer. I know that they are good kids and their behavior will come around, so I don’t get mad at them so easily and escalate the conflict.
I want to digress for a moment to explain what happened this morning. When they woke up it was -34 Celsuis with the windchill, which is about – 29 Fahrenheit. The kids wanted to stay home from school. Buses were running though and the temperature is supposed to warm up a lot over the day, so they had to go.
My 13 year-old son was quit grumpy about having to go to school, from the first moment he got up until he left. He complained that his friends won’t be there because they have to walk regardless of the temperature (we drive them when it is below -10 Celsius), we won’t do anything in class, etc. He badgered me and was quit negative and unpleasant to be around.
Tonight when they get home, I am going to talk to them about how inappropriate Sam was being. Because I was feeling gentle on myself and them, I didn’t get in a fight with them this morning and threaten consequences if they didn’t improve their attitude. I didn’t see myself as a failure as a parent because my son was being sour and complaining profusely. He is usually much better and fortunately my daughter was complaining much less. I didn’t see their bad behavior as part of their overall badness, but a blip that I could deal with later.
I’d love to hear your experiences with working on your attitude before dealing with your kids. If you are a parent who is struggling and feeling frustrated with parenting, I hope you feel the hope that is there for you. I know that some people who saw my struggles with my kids when they were younger must have shook their heads when they realized I was a parenting educator! They would tell you what I’m telling you; if I can become the parent I want to be, coming from such a tough start, so can you!
Please comment below and share this article with your friends. Peace does start at home, and we can all provide help for parents by passing on tips for parenting like this one, tips that result in a kinder, gentler home and therefore world.
I am so frustrated right now with my self and my daughter. When I am fussing at her because she is not using decoding skills and just guessing at words I can hear something inside me say this is not right to do but I just haven’t stopped it yet. I read your post and my expectations are so high. I am a teacher myself and she is a grade below where she is now. This can’t happen, I am embarrased and sooo frustrated. I just want her to get it. She has ADHD and is very bright and funny she just struggles so hard. on her papers she will bubble in every answer instead of just one. AHhhh I just want to scream and Ask God why me. But I know the answer. I see it on the otherside, her getting it, being more comfortable and confident. I am just to lazy to do all the right things to get her there. I am tired and overworked. Fighting with her over homework and signed papers is breaking me. And my husband looks at me and ask (as he gets in from tennis practice at 9:28pm) “what is wrong with you”.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
March 28th, 2011 at 9:26 pm
I am so glad you shared Kellie. So many of us have been there; frustrated with our kids and at another level clear that we are not responding in the way that we want to. It is easy be hard on yourself when it is so clear that you love your daughter and want the best for her, you are just stuck.
One key to getting unstuck and parenting her in the way you want to, is to start with being gentle with yourself. You clearly have a lot of pressure, some of it external perhaps because of time constraints, some of it internal because of your high standards. I understand why being a teacher causes you to raise your own expectations of yourself, but if you are too tired and overworked to do what you know needs to be done, all the knowledge in the world isn’t going to help. You are a human being, not a robot, and clearly you need a break.
I don’t know if you’ve read any of my posts on perfectionism (http://greatparentingpractices.com/tips-on-parenting-one-of-the-most-critical-things-parents-must-do-to-be-a-great-parent/ or http://greatparentingpractices.com/tips-on-parenting-one-of-the-most-critical-things-parents-must-do-to-be-a-great-parent/), or the post on conscious parenting that I recommended in the comment above. As a recovering perfectionist myself, I am passionate about helping other parents gain the peace and joy that comes with lower standards and more gentleness. Ironically, the easier you are on yourself, the better your parenting, so those high standards aren’t helping anything, despite your great intentions.
What can you do right now to reduce your stress? I don’t believe for a minute that you are lazy or you wouldn’t qualify as overworked. Can your husband take some pressure off, or a family member? Can you hire some help? Or do you need to let some standards go for awhile in order to have time for what is most important to you, things like your sanity and your relationship with your daughter?
I admire your honesty and your self-awareness. You’ll get through this tough spot, and the more gentle and compassionate you are on yourself, the quicker you’ll come out the other side. Your daughter is lucky to have a mother who knows how to deal with her ADHD, and who also knows how to reach out for help when she needs it. That is great modeling for your daughter too.
I’d love to hear how you are doing. Thanks for sharing Kellie.
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Jacqueline Green Reply:
March 28th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
I am so glad you shared Kellie. So many of us have been there; frustrated with our kids and at another level clear that we are not responding in the way that we want to. It is easy be hard on yourself when it is so clear that you love your daughter and want the best for her, you are just stuck.
One key to getting unstuck and parenting her in the way you want to, is to start with being gentle with yourself. You clearly have a lot of pressure, some of it external perhaps because of time constraints, some of it internal because of your high standards. I understand why being a teacher causes you to raise your own expectations of yourself, but if you are too tired and overworked to do what you know needs to be done, all the knowledge in the world isn’t going to help. You are a human being, not a robot, and clearly you need a break.
I don’t know if you’ve read any of my other posts on perfectionism, such as this one (http://greatparentingpractices.com/tips-on-parenting-one-of-the-most-critical-things-parents-must-do-to-be-a-great-parent/), or the post on conscious parenting that I recommended on March 28 on my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/GreatParentingPractices?ref=ts). As a recovering perfectionist myself, I am passionate about helping other parents gain the peace and joy that comes with lower standards and more gentleness.
What can you do right now to reduce your stress? I don’t believe for a minute that you are lazy or you wouldn’t qualify as overworked. Can your husband take some pressure off, or a family member? Can you hire some help? Or do you need to let some standards go for awhile in order to have time for what is most important to you, things like your sanity and your relationship with your daughter?
I admire your honesty and your self-awareness. You’ll get through this tough spot, and the more gentle and compassionate you are on yourself, the quicker you’ll come out the other side. Your daughter is lucky to have a mother who knows how to deal with her ADHD, and who also knows how to reach out for help when she needs it. That is great modeling for your daughter too.
I’d love to hear how you are doing. Thanks for sharing Kellie.
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I cannot tell you how reassuring this post is and how much it has helped me today. I really needed to hear that I am not alone in being frustrated, and that it is OK, provided you address the problem positively.
Lately, I have been feeling totally overwhelmed by parenting my two lovely twin daughters, who are 1. I don’t want to be a good mom, I want to be a GREAT mom. I want to create a stable, loving environment for my girls in which they are comfortable to learn, grow, and become the stars I know they are. Basically, I want it all to be perfect. And I feel like my family (parents and husband) expect for me to have it all under control.
Things are not perfect in our house, as nothing really is, but it is pretty darn good. Which is why I get so upset with myself when I get frustrated by things that don’t go smoothly. Like this weekend. The girls had an unusually busy day and were exhausted; however, instead of slipping into naps easily, they jumped in their cribs, cried, and got totally wound up. At one point, I got so frustrated I literally bit the baby monitor, causing it to break. I then thought, “what the H@%% am I doing! Who have I become?” And the situation made me wonder what my reaction that day really says about me and my parenting ability.
My friends all act like every day of their parenting experience is pure bliss. They never seem frustrated or overwhelmed. I feel terrible and bewlidered that I am not having the same experience. Plus, because I have twins, I feel like I have to try even harder and have it together more than anyone else. People always say I must have my hands full with twins, and the competitive part of me always responds, “No. They’re really easy babies.” And they are, but that doesn’t mean I am never frustrated.
It was because I am scared to open about this frustration to my friends and family, out of fear they will think less of me for having shortcomings, that I googled “parent frustration” and ended out here. And, through divine intervention, here was where I needed to be. So, I will approach today with a new motto, which you all have helped me find. The new motto is: To be a better parent doesn’t necessarily mean raising your standards higher and demanding more; sometimes it requires relaxing things a bit until the rough patch has passed.
Thank you for your words and the inspiration I take from them.
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I have googled my way here in the middle of the night for the same reasons cited in previous posts. I needed to hear that lightening up will not make my children bratty and mediocre but will instead bring more peace into my family. I always thought peace naturally followed love but it seems it doesn’t. Thanks for writing one of the few sane things on the internet. It is what I need tonight.
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I wanted to drop you a quick note to say how useful and well written your articles here are, so well done. We We a similar blog for parents over here in the UK and it’s always nice to get another person’s view on these things.
Help for Parents recently posted..Counselling parents could help with sleep problems in children
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I am so happy to find others who are going through the same challenges with parenting. Although I try to be patient with myself and my two year old son, some days I can’t seem to get there. This morning was not one of my best days. He woke up this morning in a bad mood. I was running late and not in the best place to be patient with a cranky toddler. Of course, the morning spiraled down into tantruming and tears. By the time I dropped him off at daycare, I was drained and ready to go back to bed. In these moments, I don’t know what to do. I feel so inept at parenting. When he was born, I was full of energy and knew in my heart I was a good parent. Two years later, I find myself constantly questioning whether I have what it takes to be a good parent.
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